awol

monty's gone missing again. i'm about done with bad news for the moment.

shocking lie!

Yesterday I was introduced to someone with the words; 'she makes Stephen Fry look like Jade Goody'. Ok so it's a lie and it was just to try and get me a place on a pub quiz team but I just had to share that one! heh heh.

wit with a silent T at the beginning

Told a rep - one of the few i don't want to murder with a rusty compass and soiled dental floss - about my blog with the fatal words; 'it's very witty'.

Now i scroll back to see that the last page consists of recipes and fitness training. granted, eunuchs are mentioned but i must up my game (no, no fitness analogies), start posting something a bit meatier (no, no cooking analogies) and try and improve my satirical margin, maybe run a spreadsheet on hits per comment and compose a cluster comparison report against other witty blogs. Yes, that should really give it a boost.

Lights, compass, action!

25 plus 5. you do the maths.

yes THIRTY, well done.

tonight i upped my max 25 minutes to 30 minutes of running. out with the borrower and montefiore round the river. two crazy things happened to me on this run and both in the last five minutes.

firstly my feet felt like they had suddenly risen dramatically in temperature i lost all feeling in my toes apart from pins and needles. odd. next time i'll tie the laces more loosely and see if that makes a difference.

secondly, all the tiredness in my calves disappeared and i started running faster than i had the rest of the run. runner's high maybe. i don't know but i felt like i could have kept running much further. only i couldn't feel my feet. seemed like a good moment to stop, throw off my trainers and march round on gravel trying to get sensation back!

anyway, i'm feeling suitably smug and self satisfied now. tomorrow morning when i have a changeover to execute and i can't stand up without crying, i might feel less bouyant.

Spent a few minutes flicking through 'How to run a marathon' and concluded I lack a great deal of discipline. Vowed to go to bed very early and get up and have a run before work in the morning. Went to the pub. Decided discipline could wait for a coupla days. HOWEVER, did agree with "crazy drunken tree hugger, ali why did you let go, i'm on the ground now??" that we would run together in the evenings starting tomorrow. the actual tomorrow, not a symbolic tomorrow.

customer service

1st exchange:

customer: I was wondering if you had any small guide books on eunuchs.
me: eunuchs?
customer: yes. eunuchs.
me: ummm, I think it's not very likely....(trails off)
customer: it's just that I see you have books here on 'Linux' but I was really after something on Unix.
me: Ah, Unix let me have a look for you.....

2nd exchange:

customer:hello, do you have an english book?
me: what kind of english book?
customer: I don't know, I can't remember the title.
me: Something like an english literature book?
customer: No (with voice of disdain)
me: umm, teaching english as a foreign language
customer: no
me: What kind of English book? I need to know which department you're interested in.
customer: I can't remember the title but if you tell me where it would be I can go and look.
me: I know, how about you get out of my shop, go home, work out what the hell you want then come back and ask a sensible question. (thought only!)

AND THE BEST STORY OF ALL...

A bookseller has written 'FICTION' on a piece of paper for the stock take guys but the writing is joined up so the F and I are slightly merged together. The stock take guy who obviously hasn't spent a great deal of time drinking from the fountain of knowledge approaches a different, and coincidentally gay, member of staff, holds out the piece of paper to him and says "I'm looking for ACTION."

two years

'...for me the kumquat taken whole

best fruit, and metaphor, to fit the soul...'

I have just noticed that the anniversary of my blog has passed me by twice now. Kumquat's blog has been entertaining and educating the world at large for over two years and I think a celebration is called for.

Where else to look but to Tony Harrison?

'...a fruit an older poet might substitute

for the grape John Keats thought fit to be Joy's fruit...'

Let me tell you about the men in my life. HBH introduced me to Alexander Pope, JA introduced me to Camus and GD introduced me to Iris Murdoch and Tony Harrison.

'The new day dawns. O days! My spirit greets

the kumquat with the spirit of John Keats.

O kumquat, comfort for not dying young,

both sweet and bitter, bless the poet's tongue!'

Tony for poet laureate!

Here's to another two years. By that time I will have a 16 year old and be more than half way to my three score years and ten.

'Then it's the kumquat fruit expresses best

how days have darkness round them like a rind,

life has a skin of death that keeps its zest.'

Roux's pumpkin

Neither a philosophical tenet such as Pascal's wager nor a scientific brainteaser such as Schrodinger's cat. This is in fact, none other than a rather yumptious soup I made yesterday that I'm enjoying second helpings of this evening. I served it out of the hollowed out pumpkin with the lid back on and a ladel sticking out. Aww, yeah, dead rustic I am. So rustic me camera's batteries ran out so i can't post a picture for you. Bloomin' nice. Shallots and nutmeg and creammmm.

walla-walla:

the unintelligible sound made by many people talking at once.

Please try to use this delightful expression in the next 24 hours and report back here on the response you received.

pam's chicken

a thousand blessings upon the head of a friend and colleague's mother's friend i don't know called pam. and her chicken. don't be put off by the lurid ingredients, it tastes amazing.

* Fry off 4 x chicken breasts and put in an ovenproof dish
* Add a good helping of cooked broccoli
* Mix 1 x tin condensed mushroom soup, 4-5 dollops of mayo, 4 tbsps double cream and enough curry powder to colour and flavour.
* Top the chicken and broc. with the creamy mix
* Blend 2 slices of bread and cover the sauce
* Add some grated parmesan if you have any
* Cook for 40 minutes. (I put it on 6 but you might want to change the times depending on whether you decide to chop the chicken into big chunks, as I did, before putting it in the oven.)


I'm sure this would translate into a great veggie dish because the sauce on the broc. was really tasty.

The Junction, Cambridge.

disappointing

I thought 'STRANGERS' by Yamada was amazing so I picked up his (her?) second novel 'IN SEARCH OF A DISTANT VOICE'. I finished it today and found it to be a wholly unsatisfying read despite a well driven plot and an intriguing main character .

The TBR shelf groans.

too dark

I so know Jem is gunna check up on me tonight and no, I didn't run. By the time I got home after being in a long traffic jam, it was too dark to go out. I don't know how I'm going to run in the winter. Bring on the badminton / swimming / running buddy evenings!

In other news:

Work continues to be a laugh a minute with customers ringing us up to tell us that women are inferior men and shout at us because the vans that take our deliveries are German and all the drivers are foreign.

And then of course there are the interviewees who come for Christmas jobs, get to the end of the interview and when asked if they have any questions, offer; 'Do I have to work over Christmas?'

Oh yes, we attract an altogether classier kind of job-seeker.

you are going to get so tired of this

Trainers managed to take me all the way round the lake this morning. I only needed to stop once for about 5 seconds to shout "MONTY".

Am trying to choose a charity to run for. I want to run for Oxfam but they have a largish initial contribution to get me started that I don't have but they're still my favourite. I have sent an email to Christian Aid to find out the deal there. The other charity I'd be interested in is Leukaemia Research. They have no minimum amount to raise but somehow, despite how close this is to my heart, I still feel that clean water for everyone is more important than anything.

what a malarkey

my legs hurt

h

ma·lar·key also ma·lar·ky (m?-lär'k?) n. Slang.
Exaggerated or foolish talk, usually intended to deceive

Back to Asics

Dunno if these are the actual ones I have but they look pretty much like this. Asics as recommended by Alimal. I was at the 4th shop before I found any women's running shoes that weren't by Nike. I actually told one assistant that I was 'outraged of milton keynes'. heh. Anyway, work and other sweat shops aside, I am rather chuffed with these little babies.

That is, I was impressed until I went running. I don't know whether I should take them back or not but I got about 3/4 of the way round the lake that I've been able to run round easily before and they stopped. They would only let me walk in them. I don't understand.

So I've done my first day of running. A pitiful 15 minutes but I've got til April right? And there's only Christmas standing between me and svelt athleticism. Piece of cake! (I mean......)

mind control, mass hysteria and powers of suggestion

i might be about to agree to run the london marathon. and all because one of my team is doing it and asked me so nicely to join her. am i out of my mind?? my first question, quite shamefullly, was whether i would have to sacrifice eating blueberry muffins from the wild bean cafe. seriously, they are unrivalled. in second place i would vote the apple and cinnamon muffins at starbucks. also top ranking muffins come from a place called 'kooki'. I would always go for the raspberry and white chocolate there. now don't get me wrong, i'm not a fool for every muffin i see. the double chocolate muffin at M&S is a big disappointment. They used to do a fabulous lemon and white chocolate but it has been changed and honestly, it was a big time player on the muffin front. do you see why i was concerned about committing to a marathon?

Day out in London

Spent an interesting morning in Hounslow, revisiting Phillie's youth.

Had lunch at Bistro 1 on Southampton Street. I had a very good sea bream topped with salmon and something yellow that was probably a hollandaise sauce. Served with mash. Very tasty.

Spent the rest of the day walking to numerous underground stations that were all closed for engineering work.

Finally got to see the pokemon card collection. Quite underwhelming but the B.S.S made up for the disappointment.

(Spent a good while debating if K and G had spent much time at the C.C discussing L and A)

ethical question of the lowest order

SO.

Should I blog an extract from someone's application form? I'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble if I was caught. However, it is staggeringly funny. I am horribly torn. I'm a shameless tart for getting a laugh but should a booksellers equivalent of the hypocratic oath override my urge to tell you how someone answered; 'Describe a time when you have worked as part of a team. What was your part in its success.'

Would it sway your decision if I told you it involved mice?

what's the verdict?

Went to the hairdressers on the spur of the moment and had about a foot taken off my hair!