awol

monty's gone missing again. i'm about done with bad news for the moment.

shocking lie!

Yesterday I was introduced to someone with the words; 'she makes Stephen Fry look like Jade Goody'. Ok so it's a lie and it was just to try and get me a place on a pub quiz team but I just had to share that one! heh heh.

wit with a silent T at the beginning

Told a rep - one of the few i don't want to murder with a rusty compass and soiled dental floss - about my blog with the fatal words; 'it's very witty'.

Now i scroll back to see that the last page consists of recipes and fitness training. granted, eunuchs are mentioned but i must up my game (no, no fitness analogies), start posting something a bit meatier (no, no cooking analogies) and try and improve my satirical margin, maybe run a spreadsheet on hits per comment and compose a cluster comparison report against other witty blogs. Yes, that should really give it a boost.

Lights, compass, action!

25 plus 5. you do the maths.

yes THIRTY, well done.

tonight i upped my max 25 minutes to 30 minutes of running. out with the borrower and montefiore round the river. two crazy things happened to me on this run and both in the last five minutes.

firstly my feet felt like they had suddenly risen dramatically in temperature i lost all feeling in my toes apart from pins and needles. odd. next time i'll tie the laces more loosely and see if that makes a difference.

secondly, all the tiredness in my calves disappeared and i started running faster than i had the rest of the run. runner's high maybe. i don't know but i felt like i could have kept running much further. only i couldn't feel my feet. seemed like a good moment to stop, throw off my trainers and march round on gravel trying to get sensation back!

anyway, i'm feeling suitably smug and self satisfied now. tomorrow morning when i have a changeover to execute and i can't stand up without crying, i might feel less bouyant.

Spent a few minutes flicking through 'How to run a marathon' and concluded I lack a great deal of discipline. Vowed to go to bed very early and get up and have a run before work in the morning. Went to the pub. Decided discipline could wait for a coupla days. HOWEVER, did agree with "crazy drunken tree hugger, ali why did you let go, i'm on the ground now??" that we would run together in the evenings starting tomorrow. the actual tomorrow, not a symbolic tomorrow.

customer service

1st exchange:

customer: I was wondering if you had any small guide books on eunuchs.
me: eunuchs?
customer: yes. eunuchs.
me: ummm, I think it's not very likely....(trails off)
customer: it's just that I see you have books here on 'Linux' but I was really after something on Unix.
me: Ah, Unix let me have a look for you.....

2nd exchange:

customer:hello, do you have an english book?
me: what kind of english book?
customer: I don't know, I can't remember the title.
me: Something like an english literature book?
customer: No (with voice of disdain)
me: umm, teaching english as a foreign language
customer: no
me: What kind of English book? I need to know which department you're interested in.
customer: I can't remember the title but if you tell me where it would be I can go and look.
me: I know, how about you get out of my shop, go home, work out what the hell you want then come back and ask a sensible question. (thought only!)

AND THE BEST STORY OF ALL...

A bookseller has written 'FICTION' on a piece of paper for the stock take guys but the writing is joined up so the F and I are slightly merged together. The stock take guy who obviously hasn't spent a great deal of time drinking from the fountain of knowledge approaches a different, and coincidentally gay, member of staff, holds out the piece of paper to him and says "I'm looking for ACTION."