"so unfair"

Today I became the mother of a teenager. The change is startling.

I have duly bought myself a twin set and pearls so that he has good reason to be thoroughly ashamed of me in public. I have invested in some sensible scholl shoes so that when his friends come round I can leave them in the hallway for him to trip over unceremoniously. I will of course be banning everything fun for the next 7 years. I will cease to make any effort to understand him. I will develop an intolerance to anything louder than the sound of the kettle boiling and try my utmost to ask him to speak properly even when he's making perfect sense. I have decided to set up a series of meetings under the guise of being reasonable but with a hidden agenda of me trying to make him squirm with guilt over things he hasn't done or over which he has no control. I will make a point of telling his friends how early he goes to bed and insist on a kiss goodbye whenever he's in public. I will deliberately choose tasks for him when his favourite programmes are on television. I'm working on a look of disdain that I can use whenever he buys clothes for himself. I have started hiding his favourite clothes so that he is obliged to wear awful clothes when he goes where there might be girls. I have put a one hour time limit on the bathroom so that he has no way of making himself presentable before going out. This is only the first day, think what miseries I can dream up in another 6 years and 364 days.

It's inexplicable. I woke up today and I was completely different. Trying times indeed.